Paris Hilton Slivs on Her Holiday Cooking Show

Paris Hilton has a cooking show on Netflix called Cooking with Paris, and it’s – in part – everything you think it would be: a champagne cocktail with a mist of scented foam and an over-the-top glamor that’s more curious than helpful. If you think you could ever take Paris Hilton seriously in the kitchen, well neither can she; that’s part of the charm of the show.

The heiress to the Hilton Hotel empire and Hollywood socialite simply slivs, which is her own coined word for killing while alive. We should all sliv more.

First, some background: Yes, Hilton has never had to work a real day in her life. She just seemed to be living her best life in her smooth, fabulous skin. Most. And most is where the nuance is here.

Hilton isn’t all that meets the eye. As a teenager, she was literally taken in the middle of the night by strangers, under the guidance of her super strict parents, to a “boarding school” where she didn’t see daylight for 11 months.

Earlier this year, she spoke at a committee hearing at the Utah State Capitol in Salt Lake City, urging lawmakers to pass laws protecting teens from the kind of treatment she has undergone in these schools:

“I was forced to take drugs that numbed and exhausted me. I didn’t breathe fresh air or see sunlight for 11 months. There was no privacy. I went to the bathroom or took a shower, it was watched.. At 16 – when I was a child – I felt their piercing eyes staring at my naked body. I was just a child and I felt violated every day.

“I’m proof that money doesn’t protect against abuse,” Hilton told the committee.

Solitary confinement is one of his worst memories.

“That little room covered in scratches and smeared blood with no bathroom is one of the most vivid and traumatic memories I have ever had in my entire life,” Hilton told the committee.

The abuse and the fact that it was at the discretion of her parents should allow for lifelong therapy. With that slowly simmering on a back burner, let’s dig into the holiday feast episode on which Hilton cleaned, buttered, stuffed and roasted a turkey. It’s sometimes hilarious comedy and, again, charming in a harmless and endearing way.

Part of the show’s theme is that Hilton wants to start a family soon. So she invites a friend over and they cook through a meal. She is getting comfortable with dinner parties while wearing flowing designer dresses and heels. The recipes are all hand written in a large bedazzled scrapbook using different colored markers for each step.

“That’s crazy. Who invented stuffing a turkey’s ass with fruits and vegetables? Someone who’s a massive pervert. -Paris Hilton

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“Taco Night with Saweetie” had plenty of margaritas and an impressive flan cake, all made with Hilton clicking around the kitchen in high heels, never even a little flustered by mishaps.

Kim Kardashian came on another episode to do a brunch that included Frosted Flakes French Toast and sparkly homemade marshmallows. Yeah, it’s all silly and the chefs probably lose their minds watching it, but it’s fun. Hilton has a smart personality and wields light authority because…well, because she can.

When Hilton first buys her bird from the butcher for her holiday treat, she immediately wants to run: a raw turkey is too close to its original state. Alas, she brings it home and places it in the sink where she plunges her hand into the bird’s cavity to retrieve the neck, which she thinks is a penis. Then she pulls out the bag of giblets with a light gag.

When someone off-camera tells Hilton to rinse the bird, she grabs a bottle of water off the counter and pours it over the turkey, while a caption tells viewers thankfully tap water works also. She pulls the turkey out of the sink like she’s pulling a stinky baby out of a bath, lays it on the counter, and dries it at arm’s length before saying, “That covers everything but therapy.”

Next, Hilton adds a dry brine that she says is like “massaging a coarse, hairy fat guy.” (More gagging.) While stuffing the bird, Hilton offers, “This is crazy. Who invented stuffing a turkey’s ass with fruits and vegetables? Someone who is a huge pervert.

At one point, Hilton is told to add a cup and a half of white wine to the bottom of the roasting pan and she instead pours the entire bottle so her turkey is “lit”. Later, when a timer goes off, she jokes, “Let’s check this female dog out” and uses the verb “brown” instead of roast.

The dinner turns out to be a wonderfully styled and sparkly feast for her and three social media influencers. We ask if they have to say grace before the meal. Hilton gives a subtle nod and with a slight smile says, “I pray this food is hot. [Pause.] I love that. [Pause.] Amen.”

And the other three say amen because, in Paris Hilton fashion, it’s the best, most ridiculous prayer ever.

Sliv this holiday season.